My Referral Letter
set up. I was a police officer in the City of Woodruff for three years.
After I left, I asked the City Manager, John Mullins, to write me a
letter of reference. John, at sixty, appears to be a portly English
butler. With elegant manners, incredible articulation and clarity, and
his fancy suits, John’s polished exterior belies the presence of the
hyperactive/ADD poster child. Always professional and graceful in
public, he is quick and witty behind closed doors.
Up to his elbows in everything, John repeatedly put it off. Finally, exasperated by my tenacity, he told me to write it myself and if I didn’t overdo it, he would sign it. Attached is what I faxed him at the City Hall, fake signature and all.
The next day, the best letter of reference I have ever received was in the mail!
August 27th, 1999
Referral Letter for former Woodruff Police Officer Dave Cowles
from City Manager John Mullins
Woodruff City Manager
231 E. Hayne Street
Woodruff, SC 29388
Ref.: Dave Cowles
To Whom It May Concern;
Regarding former Woodruff police
officer, Dave Cowles. It is my opinion that Dave was the most
courageous, competent, intelligent, morally pure person I've ever had
the pleasure of meeting and working with. And, he had one humdinger of a
sense of humor. Everyday, he would come up to my office, bodily remove
whoever might be sitting in front of my desk from the City Hall, return,
and shout, "Hey Fatboy, why do so many gay men have
mustaches!?". As was our routine (No, I do not have a mustache), I
would reply, "SOMEBODY CALL 911!". Dave would pull out his
gun, start waving it around, and yell, "TO HIDE THEIR STRETCH
MARKS!", then he would laugh until he soiled his britches and pass
out from all of the drugs and alcohol. God damn, was he a hoot to work
I'll never forget the time he talked me
into stripping down to my boxer shorts, rolling around in chicken blood
and feces, then with a cucumber in one hand and a feather boa in the
other, run into the City Council Meeting screaming that I was attacked
by faggot alien dwarves! You should have seen the looks on their faces!
Sure, they all laughed and later on said they didn't believe it for a
second, but I knew they did! God damn, was he a hoot to work with!
Sometimes we would talk about
philosophy, life, and all that shit.
He was a great cop and all of Woodruff
is the poorer for his leaving. He should be king! He made me want to be
a Yankee! Give him a job, any job. He's a god damned hoot to work with.
Please feel free to contact me with any
Your friend in Jesus,
THIS IS A PARODY. IT IS ONLY A PARODY!
The Real Letter of Reference from John Mullins
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